Men who do more housework have better sex lives

For the married woman, housework is foreplay!

He who has ears, let him hear!

The Chore Wars

Before having children, most couples find it easier to maintain a neat house and to keep bickering about unmade beds at bay. But having kids means having more clutter to clear, loads of laundry to do, and more meals to make, and it's moms who bear most of the burden: Working women spend about twice as much time as working men on household chores and the care of the children, according to a recent time-use survey by the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

Not surprisingly, the housework gender gap is a common source of friction: A recent BabyCenter survey of more than 12,000 readers revealed that 63 percent of couples with children at home argue over cleaning. And nearly half of respondents say they resent having to do more housework, cooking, and laundry than their mates.

Not only do dust bunnies lead to marital dustups, but the responsibility for housework can also have harmful effects on women's health. A study by sociologist Chloe E. Bird published in the March 1999 issue of Journal of Health and Social Behavior found that women who do twice as much housework as their spouses have greater anxiety, depression, and worry. The least depressed people in Bird's study, both male and female, were those who split household duties down the middle.

Are men slackers?

If women are clearly doing more around the house, what are men doing? Guys don't appear to be totally slacking: American men in dual-income families handle a third of shopping and meal preparation. Men do roughly 15 percent of the laundry, and while that may not entitle them to bragging rights, it's an improvement over the measly 2 to 5 percent they did back in 1970. And men today are more involved parents: One in four preschoolers with working moms are watched by their fathers. "In general, men try to compare their contributions to their fathers, and compared they look very good, doing four or five times more than their fathers did," says sociologist Scott Coltrane, author of Family Man: Fatherhood, Housework and Gender Equity.

According to several studies, men with a higher education are more likely to pick up and pitch in. Coltrane suggests that more educated men may be more likely to put women on equal footing and assume a balanced role in the household. Interestingly, research also shows men who delay fathering children until their late 20s or early 30s, move away from the neighborhood they grew up in, and have less frequent contact with their parents, or who have been divorced and remarried, are more likely to do housework. Coltrane points out that these men have had to fend for themselves, so it makes sense that they'd continue to help out.

Still, "compared to their wives and partners, men do a lot less," says Coltrane. He points to a range of explanations for the battle of the sexes on the chore front — from cultural expectations about gender roles, to a greater emphasis on a husband's career if he's the primary breadwinner, to some women's difficulty delegating work. Practically speaking, though, the broom stops with whomever spends more time at home, says Coltrane, and that's usually Mom.

Psychologist Joshua Coleman, author of The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework, suggests that men's resistance to housework may start in childhood. From an early age, men are preoccupied with power and status (just look at any boy playing with an action-figure hero), and they may assert their independence by refusing to do something they've been asked to do. And while men feel they look pretty good compared with their fathers, they fail to factor in that their wives are also doing a lot more than their own mothers did, notes Coleman.

Men who do dishes do better in the bedroom

If only men knew what they were missing: Men who do more housework have better sex lives and happier marriages, according to a study by John Gottman, a psychologist who for more than three decades has been researching why relationships succeed or fail. Further research by Gottman suggests that harmony over housework may also yield happier children. His findings reveal that men who do housework frequently have kids who do better socially and academically.

Nine ways to get your partner to do his fair share >>> Full article


Source: babycentre.com

And if all fails... we can wait for this service to be available locally:

Save Your Home, Get 'Husband For Rent'

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One of my favourite TV shows is "Life Transformers" (Mondays, 8pm, Channel 8) where Quan Yi Fong, Christopher Lee and a group of volunteers help under-privileged households in Singapore. It took just one episode of Christopher Lee cleaning, carrying, painting, and the clincher - scrubbing a filthy toilet floor on his hands and knees - to make all the married women in my office (myself included) fall in love with him!

Forget the tuxedo, cuff links and pressed shirts. A toned, sweaty man deeply focused on scrubbing the floor is the new perfect man!

Are we too privileged to be kind?

Taking public transport has become something I now approach with a level of apprehension and uncertainty. I never know whether I might spend the entire journey standing, or whether I might meet with kindness from a stranger. I'm now big enough not to be mistaken for a skinny lady who's had a heavy lunch, but I have had enough experiences standing in front of rows of people pretending to be asleep or engrossed in their newspaper/PSP/mobile phone. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see through them - the sleeping people occasionally peek out but quickly shut their eyes when they see me still standing in front of them. Quite often, they wake up after I leave or after someone else gives me a seat! That's one of the reasons why I want a car!

I have encountered a number of kind people who have offered me their seat. Each time it happens, I thank them and thank God for them, and say a little prayer that they too may experience the same kindness that they have shown. What is most interesting is that the ones who give up seats aren't often the young, able-bodied and privileged majority. More often than not, they are the minorities, the Indians, Filipinos, middle-aged men, and most surprisingly, older Chinese aunties who could be in their 50s or even 60s. It's the young, Chinese men and women in their 20s and 30s who seem to be the most oblivious. But having said that, there was a sweet-faced Chinese lady who let me have her seat on a crowded bus, and after I got off, my mum and I both waved a thank-you-good-bye at her from the bus stop, and she look quite shy!

My highly un-detailed and academically un-rigorous research on the demographic of seat-giving-up people has led me to conclude that empathy and kindness are inextricably linked. Older aunties and married men who might have an inkling of the pregnancy experience are most likely to empathise. Perhaps minorities and foreigners who know what it's like to be in a difficult situation are more likely to look out for people who might need help. Anne-Marie noticed the same thing in London - that it was usually the Asians, Chinese and foreigners who would offer her seats on the train. The phenomenon is old news - it was observed 2000 years ago:

25 And now a lawyer stood up and, to test him, asked, 'Master, what must I do to inherit eternal life?' 26 He said to him, 'What is written in the Law? What is your reading of it?' 27 He replied, 'You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind, and your neighbour as yourself.' 28 Jesus said to him, 'You have answered right, do this and life is yours.' 29 But the man was anxious to justify himself and said to Jesus, 'And who is my neighbour?'

30 In answer Jesus said, 'A man was once on his way down from Jerusalem to Jericho and fell into the hands of bandits; they stripped him, beat him and then made off, leaving him half dead. 31 Now a priest happened to be travelling down the same road, but when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32 In the same way a Levite who came to the place saw him, and passed by on the other side. 33 But a Samaritan traveller who came on him was moved with compassion when he saw him. 34 He went up to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring oil and wine on them. He then lifted him onto his own mount and took him to an inn and looked after him. 35 Next day, he took out two denarii and handed them to the innkeeper and said, "Look after him, and on my way back I will make good any extra expense you have." 36 Which of these three, do you think, proved himself a neighbour to the man who fell into the bandits' hands?' 37 He replied, 'The one who showed pity towards him.' Jesus said to him, 'Go, and do the same yourself.'

Gospel of Luke 10:25–37

The privileged looked on, but it took a man from Samaria, a race despised by the Jews, to go out of his way to help the wounded man. It is counter intuitive that the privileged, who have more resources to spare, would be less willing to help another.

Sometimes, when I am standing up in front of a whole row of seated young women who are sleeping/reading/chatting and generally avoiding eye contact with me, I tell myself that they might be facing some unknown and unseen difficulty. Perhaps one has terrible period cramps, another might be having the flu, another might have sprained her ankle, and another might be exhausted from a difficult day, and perhaps I might be the most strong and able-bodied of the lot!

It helps me put things into perspective and feel less cynical about human nature, but deep down inside I do feel a bit sad about this. I don't want Baby to grow up in such an environment and with such a worldview. I want to be able to teach her empathy and kindness and awareness. But before I can do that, I must first become a better person. Nothing prepares you for parenthood - there are no courses, curriculum, or tuition classes. Most people just learn on the job. My prayer is that God will guide Panliang and I to be loving, humble and nurturing parents. Perhaps this awareness is the first step.

We tried it the other day. I must confess that I am among those who do not usually clear food bowls and trays after a meal at food courts or hawker centres, especially if there are cleaners in sight. Two days ago, Panliang and I decided to carry our used tray to the cleaning station, and the look of surprise, gladness and gratitude on the cleaners' faces struck me. They were not young, probably not earning a lot, possibly holding two jobs to support their families, facing callous customers who do not thank them for cleaning the tables, probably tired, and one would not describe them as brimming with life, hope or optimism. I realised that if a tiny, meaningless and effortless gesture could bring just a bit of joy and renewed faith in kindness in the world, it was worth it.

Another gripe I have is when a bus driver waits patiently for someone who is running for the bus, and when the person finally boards the bus, she heaves a sigh of relief and triumphantly takes a seat, with no sign of acknowledgement or gratitude to the bus driver. The mindset is "I caught the bus!", as if the bus was a machine-operated entity, and not "The bus driver waited patiently for me, even though I was 400m away!" I think bus drivers are often unseen, unappreciated and ignored, and I try to make it a point to smile or greet them when I board. It might be the first smile they've seen all day.

I wonder if it's a Singaporean thing. Non-Singaporeans in general seem to be more civil and (much as this word is overused in government campaigns) gracious than Singaporeans. A few years ago, I was in London and taking a bus by myself to Heathrow airport. I had a medium-sized luggage but I was confident I could handle it alone. When I boarded the bus and hoisted my luggage up the steps, it felt surprisingly light, and I turned around to find that an elderly black gentleman had, unasked, hoisted the luggage up the steps for me. Pleasantly surprised, I thanked him and proceeded up the bus, heading towards the empty seats at the back. There were men on both sides of the aisle, sitting on the outer seats with their legs wide open (why do men always sit like that?!) and their long legs blocking the aisle. As soon as they saw me coming with my luggage, they all sat properly and pulled in their legs in unison, clearing the pathway. I felt like Moses parting the Red Sea. It was quite a funny sight but I was impressed by their awareness and initiative. I imagine that if it was in Singapore, there would have to be a lot of shuffling and "Excuse me! Sorry! Excuse me! Excuse me please!" before one could get up a bus!

Ministor Mentor Lee Kuan Yew believes a gracious Singapore will not happen in his lifetime: "I will not see it, maybe you will live long enough to see it; I wish you well."

That probably sums up what we all believe, but if we don't like the thought of this, we can just try harder. After all, if a tiny gesture can put a smile on someone's face, then, why not?

Korean Beef, Anyone?

Photo taken with Panliang's permission.

Mouthwatering beef steak at your local food court. Very popular with the ladies.