On Standby - 38 weeks!

As The Day approaches, I'm both excited and nervous. I'm looking forward to seeing, holding, and getting to know Baby, getting my agility and mobility back, and just having a whole new experience of welcoming a new family member! At the same time, I'm worried about the labour and pains that come with it, but it's something I really want to experience and go through.

During the check up last week at 37 weeks, my cervix was 1cm dilated (10cm means it's wide enough for Baby to come out!) and the fetal monitor recorded mini-contractions, but not long or regular enough to mean anything. Baby is about 2.8kg, her organs are fully formed, her head has descended to the pelvis, so we're all on standby!

I originally wanted to continue working till I popped, but I get tired more easily these days, and the thought of stopping work and relaxing at home is getting more and more appealing!

I'm getting bigger and bigger each day! Now when I park, I have to leave a wider gap between me and the next car, and I can no longer squeeze through shortcuts and narrow spaces!

At this final stretch, we decided to take some family portraits of Dad, Mum, Doggy and Bump - before bump transforms!

My gloriously pregnant wife

Here are more bump pictures of my 2 babies. Darcy is even captured in some shots. I realise that I find Serene getting more and more attractive with each week that passes. I believe it's the growing maternal energy and the life-giving fullness of her frame :)

Posted some pictures of Serene when baby is at week 32, 33 and 35 in order below:

I am starting to treasure these precious bump pictures and also the times when baby moves within Serene's tummy a lot because very soon little Arielle will be out to join us :)

How much can you tell from a 31 week scan?

Our little girl is shy! We tried on a few occasions to get an ultrasound scan of her face but she kept looking away and wouldn't have her picture taken! Last week she finally relented - somewhat - and presented her left cheek to us! With her arms folded casually behind her head, she looked like she was chilling out!

What amazed me more than the scan was Panliang's excited reaction. From the fuzzy images and the 10 or so minutes of scanning, he was able to infer (with great confidence and certainty!) the following:

1) Baby has his eyes, eyebrows and lips
2) Baby has my nose
3) Baby is astute

I was (and still am!) baffled by him but I'm really glad and thankful that he's so involved and as excited, if not more excited about this pregnancy than I am. He loves to touch and watch my bump jump about. Sometimes when I'm lying in bed , relishing the feeling of Baby moving inside me, Panliang gets really excited and comes over demanding, "What is she doing now? What is she doing? Tell me! Don't just lie there smiling to yourself! Tell me!" He's started reading up more about babies, doing research, making phone calls and appointments, and he's even volunteered to arrange the furniture and rooms for Baby! It's very heartening to have his support and it helps me to enjoy being pregnant.

Baby Likes Bach!

She started moving and bouncing vigorously when iTunes started playing Bach, and I watched in awe and shock as my bump bounced up and down, in and out, and from left to right, and it felt like my insides were being tumble-dried in a washing machine! Sometimes it's hard for me to sleep at night even though I'm really tired - especially when Mambo Night's going full swing in my bump. Nowadays, my conversations are punctuated with occasional starts and winces as I get poked and punched painfully mid-conversation! But I love it. I'm so happy to be pregnant. My feet are swollen and I haven't seen my ankles for weeks, but I love having a baby inside me, and knowing that she's dancing and doing funky stuff. I'm really excited for her to come out, but I like her being inside me too. I'm looking forward to seeing and holding her, but I know that it's much easier when she's safe in my bump with no choice but to go wherever I go! I occasionally look wistfully at all the skinny girls around me, yet I love what pregnancy has done to my body, and I think it's glorious to be growing bigger every day.

Right now, Baby is dancing to Dvorak's Humoreske. She is such a cutie.

More Bump Pictures - week 23/29

Here are some more pictures of Serene and our cute bump.

I like the pictures of Darcy with Serene. We were reminded that Darcy is part of our family when he came with us. I like what Serene said last night, "Our family of three is expanding with baby joining us :)".

I am looking forward to tomorrow when the baby cot, baby mattress, pillows, and baby car seat we bought on Sunday will be delivered. My heart fills with joy when I think about getting ready for baby to join us. There is also a sense of fuzziness imagining baby sleeping in the cot with the cute animal bed sheet and her sitting in her safe car seat! :)

Serene's bump

It's amazing to see how baby grows when we go for each ultrasound. Equally fantastic is seeing how Serene's bump grows and baby moving within the bump, and being able to see and feel her movements.

I am enjoying this new life a great deal, and seeing how she turns and moves. Lately she's been moving a lot and she even kicks Serene pretty hard. The thought of this makes my heart go warm and fuzzy. It's like baby is already here with us, just that we have yet to see her face.

I am posting pics below to let you all see how Serene's bump has been changing:


Even Darcy is eagerly expecting baby's arrival!

Are we too privileged to be kind?

Taking public transport has become something I now approach with a level of apprehension and uncertainty. I never know whether I might spend the entire journey standing, or whether I might meet with kindness from a stranger. I'm now big enough not to be mistaken for a skinny lady who's had a heavy lunch, but I have had enough experiences standing in front of rows of people pretending to be asleep or engrossed in their newspaper/PSP/mobile phone. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see through them - the sleeping people occasionally peek out but quickly shut their eyes when they see me still standing in front of them. Quite often, they wake up after I leave or after someone else gives me a seat! That's one of the reasons why I want a car!

I have encountered a number of kind people who have offered me their seat. Each time it happens, I thank them and thank God for them, and say a little prayer that they too may experience the same kindness that they have shown. What is most interesting is that the ones who give up seats aren't often the young, able-bodied and privileged majority. More often than not, they are the minorities, the Indians, Filipinos, middle-aged men, and most surprisingly, older Chinese aunties who could be in their 50s or even 60s. It's the young, Chinese men and women in their 20s and 30s who seem to be the most oblivious. But having said that, there was a sweet-faced Chinese lady who let me have her seat on a crowded bus, and after I got off, my mum and I both waved a thank-you-good-bye at her from the bus stop, and she look quite shy!

My highly un-detailed and academically un-rigorous research on the demographic of seat-giving-up people has led me to conclude that empathy and kindness are inextricably linked. Older aunties and married men who might have an inkling of the pregnancy experience are most likely to empathise. Perhaps minorities and foreigners who know what it's like to be in a difficult situation are more likely to look out for people who might need help. Anne-Marie noticed the same thing in London - that it was usually the Asians, Chinese and foreigners who would offer her seats on the train. The phenomenon is old news - it was observed 2000 years ago:

25 And now a lawyer stood up and, to test him, asked, 'Master, what must I do to inherit eternal life?' 26 He said to him, 'What is written in the Law? What is your reading of it?' 27 He replied, 'You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind, and your neighbour as yourself.' 28 Jesus said to him, 'You have answered right, do this and life is yours.' 29 But the man was anxious to justify himself and said to Jesus, 'And who is my neighbour?'

30 In answer Jesus said, 'A man was once on his way down from Jerusalem to Jericho and fell into the hands of bandits; they stripped him, beat him and then made off, leaving him half dead. 31 Now a priest happened to be travelling down the same road, but when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32 In the same way a Levite who came to the place saw him, and passed by on the other side. 33 But a Samaritan traveller who came on him was moved with compassion when he saw him. 34 He went up to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring oil and wine on them. He then lifted him onto his own mount and took him to an inn and looked after him. 35 Next day, he took out two denarii and handed them to the innkeeper and said, "Look after him, and on my way back I will make good any extra expense you have." 36 Which of these three, do you think, proved himself a neighbour to the man who fell into the bandits' hands?' 37 He replied, 'The one who showed pity towards him.' Jesus said to him, 'Go, and do the same yourself.'

Gospel of Luke 10:25–37

The privileged looked on, but it took a man from Samaria, a race despised by the Jews, to go out of his way to help the wounded man. It is counter intuitive that the privileged, who have more resources to spare, would be less willing to help another.

Sometimes, when I am standing up in front of a whole row of seated young women who are sleeping/reading/chatting and generally avoiding eye contact with me, I tell myself that they might be facing some unknown and unseen difficulty. Perhaps one has terrible period cramps, another might be having the flu, another might have sprained her ankle, and another might be exhausted from a difficult day, and perhaps I might be the most strong and able-bodied of the lot!

It helps me put things into perspective and feel less cynical about human nature, but deep down inside I do feel a bit sad about this. I don't want Baby to grow up in such an environment and with such a worldview. I want to be able to teach her empathy and kindness and awareness. But before I can do that, I must first become a better person. Nothing prepares you for parenthood - there are no courses, curriculum, or tuition classes. Most people just learn on the job. My prayer is that God will guide Panliang and I to be loving, humble and nurturing parents. Perhaps this awareness is the first step.

We tried it the other day. I must confess that I am among those who do not usually clear food bowls and trays after a meal at food courts or hawker centres, especially if there are cleaners in sight. Two days ago, Panliang and I decided to carry our used tray to the cleaning station, and the look of surprise, gladness and gratitude on the cleaners' faces struck me. They were not young, probably not earning a lot, possibly holding two jobs to support their families, facing callous customers who do not thank them for cleaning the tables, probably tired, and one would not describe them as brimming with life, hope or optimism. I realised that if a tiny, meaningless and effortless gesture could bring just a bit of joy and renewed faith in kindness in the world, it was worth it.

Another gripe I have is when a bus driver waits patiently for someone who is running for the bus, and when the person finally boards the bus, she heaves a sigh of relief and triumphantly takes a seat, with no sign of acknowledgement or gratitude to the bus driver. The mindset is "I caught the bus!", as if the bus was a machine-operated entity, and not "The bus driver waited patiently for me, even though I was 400m away!" I think bus drivers are often unseen, unappreciated and ignored, and I try to make it a point to smile or greet them when I board. It might be the first smile they've seen all day.

I wonder if it's a Singaporean thing. Non-Singaporeans in general seem to be more civil and (much as this word is overused in government campaigns) gracious than Singaporeans. A few years ago, I was in London and taking a bus by myself to Heathrow airport. I had a medium-sized luggage but I was confident I could handle it alone. When I boarded the bus and hoisted my luggage up the steps, it felt surprisingly light, and I turned around to find that an elderly black gentleman had, unasked, hoisted the luggage up the steps for me. Pleasantly surprised, I thanked him and proceeded up the bus, heading towards the empty seats at the back. There were men on both sides of the aisle, sitting on the outer seats with their legs wide open (why do men always sit like that?!) and their long legs blocking the aisle. As soon as they saw me coming with my luggage, they all sat properly and pulled in their legs in unison, clearing the pathway. I felt like Moses parting the Red Sea. It was quite a funny sight but I was impressed by their awareness and initiative. I imagine that if it was in Singapore, there would have to be a lot of shuffling and "Excuse me! Sorry! Excuse me! Excuse me please!" before one could get up a bus!

Ministor Mentor Lee Kuan Yew believes a gracious Singapore will not happen in his lifetime: "I will not see it, maybe you will live long enough to see it; I wish you well."

That probably sums up what we all believe, but if we don't like the thought of this, we can just try harder. After all, if a tiny gesture can put a smile on someone's face, then, why not?

Tummy Flutterings

I felt baby for the first time yesterday. I was at my first pre-natal yoga session and as I lay still to relax, I felt something strange in my bump, like a big bubble rolling around. I was so stunned and excited I kept very still, hoping to feel it again - so I missed everything the instructor said for the next few minutes! And last night, as I lay in bed, I felt someone tapping my bump - from inside! Panliang and I were having a rather sombre conversation when the tapping started. Panliang got so excited he forgot everything he was saying and pressed his ear to my bump. He couldn't hear anything so he pressed his hand to my bump and was really thrilled when he felt the taps! Little taps, here and there, and we never knew when or where the next one would be. It really brought home the fact that there really is a little munchkin inside me with a life and will of her own, swimming around and doing as she pleases!

It's getting harder to move around and do things, but I'm really starting to enjoy this pregnancy. The nausea has subsided, I can see and feel my bump getting bigger. Being pregnant also shows me a different side of human nature. More people smile or stare at me more, hawkers are more accommodating to bizarre food requests, people look more mortified when they bump into me, and best of all, more people on the train pretend to be asleep when they see me!

25 Things No One Tells You About Pregnancy

They say pregnancy is a life-changing experience. It is. It's not just the bump, cravings and nausea. There are so many things I never knew about, and each time something strange happens, I google the symptom to make sure I'm normal!

1. Your hearing improves. Sounds that never bothered you before (like the hum of a neighbour's air con) keep you awake at night.
2. Your sense of smell improves.
3. You get really good at throwing up, and the colour depends on what you've recently eaten (Cherries - red. Brownies - black. Peaches - white. If you haven't eaten anything, you get bile which is the most bitter and yucky thing ever).
4. Your feet get swollen if you sit or stand for too long. (growing uterus may compress a major vena cava vein, leading to decreased blood return from the lower limbs to the heart).
5. You need to pee more often.
6. A violent sneeze or cough could cause a leak!
7. You have to wear your seat belt below your abdomen.
8. The light brown bits of you (like moles) become darker.
9. Fine hairs start growing on your tummy. Some women get a darkened line running from the belly button to the pubic bone (linea nigra).
10. Your cup size gets an upgrade.
11. Your breasts get tender and more sensitive (a light brush with a towel can really hurt!)
12. You have a permanent cold (Rhinitis: due to hormonal changes and increased blood flow to the mucous membranes).
13. Swollen and sensitive gums (due to hormones and increased blood flow).
14. Your digestion slows down.
15. You have to consume lots of fruits and liquids to avoid constipation.
16. You get heartburn (also known as acid indigestion or acid reflux) - a burning sensation in your chest, which sometimes goes up your throat.
17. Hunger pangs come on suddenly and strongly. You wake up in the middle of the night, starving.
18. You get tired easily.
19. You get backaches.
20. You get occasional sharp pains around your bump as your ligaments and muscles begin to stretch to accommodate your growing uterus.
21. Headaches are more common.
22. You get vivid, crazy and disturbing dreams at night.
23. You're more weepy. You cry over tiny things, like bad dreams.
24. You get more forgetful and absent-minded.
    
    And the clincher:
    
    
25. Your husband gets pregnancy symptoms too! There's even a term for it - Couvade: a male who experiences symptoms of pregnancy like indigestion, nausea, headaches, cravings, vivid dreams, in sympathy for his wife.
    
    

Nice people

Someone gave up his seat for the train today. A non-chinese man, of course. So far, the only strangers who have given way to me and my little bump have been non-chinese. Perhaps Chinese people are more afraid of causing offence in case the lady turns out not to be pregnant!

I am still really grateful and touched each time it happens. Until recently, I have never known what it was like to feel heavy, nauseated, tired, have a headache, aching shoulders, and walk on swollen feet - into a crowded train at Raffles Place MRT and watch with exhausted dismay all the orange seats rapidly being filled up. Mine is just a mini bump but it still is very uncomfortable to stand for long periods of time on feet that are pretending to be puffer fish.

I've taken to choosing longer travel routes where I'm more likely to get seats. I've had to stand the whole journey on the bus to and from Orchard and Upper Thomson on several occasions, and that left me exhausted and with an aching bump after that. Just the thought of going through that is enough to justify all the cab rides in the world!

Before Panliang left for South Africa, I was a bit apprehensive about how I would cope with baby by myself. It's not too bad when baby's still inside me, but I started to think about what would happen if Panliang was away and baby was ill and crying, and if I was unwell too and overcome with exhaustion with no one to turn to for help...

When I was down with the flu, I told God that I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to cope by myself and that there would be no one to help or look after me. And I heard a gentle voice that was not my own which told me - There will always be someone to take care of you. Somehow, I was comforted, strengthened and filled with joy and a sense of peace, and I knew inside that it would be alright.

And these few days, I have met with nothing but kindness. My family has been loving and supportive, buying food for me, doing things for me and spending time with me. My friends have been absolutely lovely, showing lots of concern, encouraging me, bringing me shopping, to church, helping me carry things, giving me lifts, killing cockroaches for me, and generally helping me to realise that there are people out there who love and care, and that I don't have to be superwoman and do everything by myself.

I was originally prepared to do everything myself, to move, carry, do, buy, make, clean, fix, whatever - even if it meant using up every ounce of strength and energy I had. This pregnancy has changed all that. I suddenly can't do all these things as well and as fast as I could previously. I'm suddenly not as strong, flexible, agile, and energetic as I was, and I have to depend on God and the kindness of others. It's very humbling, but at the same time, very uplifting to be the unworthy recipient of so much kindness. To all of you who have blessed our lives - Thank You.

Baby at 16 weeks

I am taking a lunch break now. We are now in the final phase of the meetings.

I am missing family and home a lot and this trip seems to be too long for good.

I looked through the photos of baby at 16 weeks that Serene sent me and felt a flutter of warmth course through my heart. I love the picture of her hand, it's almost like she is reaching out and wanting to hold our hands.

I look at the side profile of the baby and find her fabulously cute and gorgeous.

The meeting is starting and I need to pretend that I am paying attention :)

Why blog?

I am surprised at myself for constantly wanting to blog when I am alone overseas. It's very difficult for me to publish a post when I am back in Singapore, you can ask Serene :)

Perhaps, in times of solitude when you are faced with your thoughts, you have a big desire to share them with people. Telling them where you are, what you see. This is definitely the relational aspect of people, wanting to communicate and connect.

So happy to hear that Serene's tummy is getting bigger each day. Can't wait to go back to see it and touch it. Thank God that baby is growing each day! :)

Late night memories

Greetings from chilly Johannesburg!

It's currently 3pm and I am having a break from my meetings.

I started missing my family especially Serene, Baby and Darcy the moment I got into the taxi to the airport. I actually missed the times I woke up in the wee hours of the morning when Serene was terribly hungry or suffering from a bad cough. Those memories were sweet especially when Darcy helped to kill a cockroach. Saved me from my fear!

There was another time we actually ordered Mac's breakfast at 4am!!! Boy, I enjoyed my sausage macmuffin with egg while watching some saxophone you tube videos :)

Tomorrow, we are going to the safari to see rhinoceroses and lions. Good break from day-long meetings!

Look at what pregnancy did to my feet!

I was attending a very boring talk one afternoon which gave me the opportunity to kick off my shoes and examine my feet. That's when I noticed my right food looked significantly bigger than my left! I'm not sure whether they'd been like that for a long time - I never had the habit of monitoring my feet. The swelling went down significantly the next day but it still feels a bit funny sometimes. When it does, I sleep with my right foot raised - supported by my trusty yellow duck pillow.

Baby at 13 weeks

Baby is now 13weeks old and 7cm tall! The spine is now well formed and I think our baby looks vaguely like Serene with a pointy cute chin :)


I find the following scan of baby's foot most amazing. Baby is very active, kicking and 'boxing' constantly throughout the scan.

Food Cravings

All-time Favourites: (which have recently intensified)
Hot Chocolate
Yami Yoghurt - Peach
Soy Bean Curd
Guava
Raw Tomatoes
Marks and Spencer's Strawberry Cereal
Tim Tam Dark Chocolate Biscuits

Surprise Favourites:
Peaches and Nectarines
Burger King's Mushroom Swiss
Spaghetti Bolognaise
Beef Porridge
Sausage Rolls
Starbuck's Dark Mocha Frappacino
Fresh Milk
Maggi Mee (Chicken Flavour)

Food I can keep down:
Chicken Rice
Chicken Porridge
Ban Mian
Subway Melt (Turkey Breast, Ham, Bacon)
Mashed Potato
Curry Puffs
Digestive Biscuits
Miso Soup
Avocado / Salmon Skin Handroll
Hard-boiled eggs with soy sauce (especially at 12am)
100 Plus
Gardenia Raisin Bread (Not Sunshine)


Diabolical Food: (Even the smell is unbearable)
Anything with sambal sauce
Anything with gravy
Anything oily and greasy
Bak Kut Teh
Cooked Vegetables of Any Kind
Fish (especially cod)

Mood Swings

I had a technically nice day today. Early morning, driving lesson, vacuuming the house, lunch at a restaurant at Great World City with mum, Theresa and Minghui, followed (yes, immediately) by lovely tea with scones and brownies at The Eclectic Attic @ Plaza Singapura, a bit of shopping, then dinner at Panliang's parents' place.

Now I just feel irritable , like the world owes me something big. I didn't sleep well despite being tired last night, I can't eat well despite being hungry, and I just feel tired and lethargic. I just want to curl up on the sofa with a book, but I figure that going out is probably good for me. New spots appearing on the face (due to hormones and beef cravings) doesn't improve one's mood either. Panliang's been a brick. Immeasurably patient, empathetic, sayanging me when I'm grouchy, pampering me, preparing food for me at strange hours of the day while I watch YouTube videos of Jack Russells hunting snakes and catching fish, playing his saxophone and jazz improvisations less (which is a major sacrifice), and keeping the house neat and tidy and up to my anal standards (like pressing the soap dispenser before wetting his hands so the water doesn't drip outside the sink). I must be quite a horror to live and dine with, but Panliang has risen above himself and pumped in enough strength and cheer for the both of us. I have renewed respect for him and I can see him becoming a more of a dad each day.

Thinking about this makes me thankful and I realise I have been blessed in many ways. This first trimester is no honeymoon (it's like a very very very long turbulent plane ride) but I wouldn't trade it for anything. They say the second trimester gets better and the nausea and appetite loss goes away. That would be nice.


Late night entertainment while having my midnight snacks

9 weeks: The Paddling Baby

The first time I saw the little legs kicking my heart did a flip flop. What had been a baby bean just 2 weeks back now had a recognisable head, arms and little paddling feet. (as if he was diving!) There is something miraculous about having a little life form inside you which is both awe-inspiring and humbling.

Sometimes, when I'm a squashed commuter on a peak-hour train, I look around me at the different shaped, sized and textured people, short people, tall people, fat people, skinny people, people with big hair, people with thinning hair, people with oily faces, people with fresh faces and people with tired faces - and I marvel that every single one of them was at some point a tiny foetus growing in a woman who worried often that the baby might not be healthy, or that she might be unknowingly doing something that might hurt the foetus.

It's comforting to hear from other pregnant woman or ex-pregnant woman ('mothers' doesn't quite convey the same meaning) that I'm normal. My imagination wanders and creates the most worrying scenarios in a way it never did before. Mum says it's important to remain cheerful and positive because negative thoughts can send signals, hormones and chemicals through the body which could affect the foetus. (See! Doing something wrong again!). It truly is mind over body, and I'm determined to be happy and optimistic and enjoy this pregnancy, nausea and all. And surround myself and thoughts with happy, nice things and look at cute creatures like Darcy. I heard from a pregnant lady that her parents forbade her to even LOOK at her dog in case the baby came out looking like it - the dog is black, furry and has a flat nose! I am thankful that I have a loving a supportive family on both sides, which makes all this very much easier and happier.

The First Meeting

Place: Fong Clinic for Women
Date: June 25th, 2008
Time: 16:33:24

We met our dearest baby bean for the very first time! Baby is the size of bean and is 8mm tall. We think this is the cutest creature we have ever seen, maybe even a bit cuter than Darcy. Here is the baby's 1st picture:


I know it's not easy to spot. Serene kept asking, "Where, where? I can't see!" But I tell you most solemnly, I saw it quite quickly when I noticed some movement in the centre of the dotted line. It was our our baby's heart beating. The most amazing thing was that it was magnified for us to see and hear!
That was the most amazing rhythm I have ever heard and I was very moved at that instant, that I could experience a new life through my own ears and eyes. Leaving the clinic, I saw the world around me with a whole new perspective: that of joy, hope and overflowing life everywhere. I will not forget the heartbeat rhythm I heard, it is one that signifies a miracle, a gift that God has given.

I will end the post with this picture:
This was the 2nd sign that baby is coming. The first was 2 weeks of mood swings from Serene and hunger pangs that kept hitting her :)