But God - Who Speaks

I feel a need to update all you kind folks who have been praying for me and Serene. This journey of mine started from February this year. In February , I felt a sense that God wants to reveal His plans to me of where He wants to place me to serve/ work for my next step.

As such, Serene and myself signed up for our church's Korea trip to find answers. Baby came and we did not go for the trip. However, I still sensed that God wants to reveal my next step to me despite not being able to go Korea.

Interestingly my worship pastor told us to pray and focus on "Who Am I" to seek what God's plans are for each of us. This was an affirmation that what I felt from God was right.

August came and I felt that my life was going to be very stretched and challenging. I was prompted by God to read the book of Job. A verse jumped out to me and remains clearly in my mind - when Job's whole body had sores all over and his wife asked him to curse God and die. Job answered, "Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" That really struck me because I had heard a audio program on prayer and it mentioned that many folks pray to ask God to bless their plans, health and make their life easy. Unknowingly, God has become a means/tool to fulfill their own desires. The program proposed that prayer is a time for us to put down our own wishes and align our will to God's. Perhaps God might not heal the illness or take us away from a bad situation. In times like this, I was reminded that we cannot let external circumstances dictate how we perceive God who is love. The truth is that He has given us His Son to die for us, bringing us grace and freedom. This changed my view of prayer which is to seek God and align our thoughts to His.

September came and I had to leave for Jo'burg. It was not easy for me to leave that night as Serene was sobbing badly and I could not really bear to leave her and baby. I lost my handphone on the day I was supposed to leave. My mum's tumors came back. My world seem to crumble within and around me. Felt very tired and weak to leave that night. Felt like just giving up and staying. Serene and I prayed and God told us that this trip would help to build Serene stronger and more independent to care for herself and baby. My being away would help her to draw on her inner strength to care for herself and baby. God also reminded that our love is sustained not just with having a phone to sms each other. That our love is strong enough to withstand not even being able to have modern communication means like a handphone.

I was extremely sad on my journey to Jo'burg. I was tearing on the taxi on the plane. Images of Serene tearing kept replaying in my mind and making me sad. God spoke again and told me that this trip would make my love for Him and people increase. Serving God should help us love Him and people more. I understood that on my travel to Jo'burg as I had to put aside my family to Africa, planning for projects aimed at bringing help and care to people who are suffering from HIV/ AIDs, hopelessness, crying out for help day and night. I had to learn to love them more because God loves each one of them as much as I love Serene and baby, if not more. It was a difficult lesson for me to learn and go through.

I managed to get an auto-roam prepaid card and tap "illegally" on the wifi in my service apartment in Jo'burg. I was able to talk to Serene on the phone line, skype, sms which I thought would not be possible. These might appear to be small things but it meant so much to me when I thought I had lost the basic means to sms Serene with my handphone being lost. BTW the taxi driver returned my handphone when I came back.

Africa was amazing as well, as my earlier post talked about the preacher who spoke about how we can hold on during the most difficult of times. I am really getting a sense that God does speak in real way to me.

Came back to Singapore. Had to bring my mum to get her biopsy results and have my blood test to see if my precious baby is perfectly healthy. For those who know me, I am the squeamish type who might faint at the sight of needles and blood. It was on Monday. Tuesday I had to meet my boss because he kept pressuring me to travel more as I take on a leadership role in my organisation. He also was not very happy with my team, thinking that we did not do the work he told us to do. I began this week with much fear and stress of my blood test, my mum's biopsy results and to face my boss to talk to him.

On my way to the hospital on Mon, God spoke again, saying, "If I am with you, what more is there for you to fear?" When I met my mum, I asked her what God said to her and interestingly, she said God told her "not to fear". To me, this simple thing gave my much courage to face the blood test and my mum's doctor. I was thinking of this verse and the sweet you tube video that Cheryl sent to me and Serene of this 4-year-old girl singing "Somewhere Out There". I imagined it was my baby who would be doing this and I didn't mind facing my own fear just to know that she will be well and healthy.

Last lesson for me came on Thursday where we had a workshop on managing change. Gist of training focussed on us needing to know our core value and identity so that we can face external pressure with ease. Christ knew his purpose on earth and nothing wavered him. I knew this was the journey God has started for me. On Thursday evening, my senior pastor smsed me to wished me happy birthday and told me to pray for my own destiny. He mentioned that God prompted him to tell me this and that this "shaking" period of mine would last till next year May. I was happy and also bit tired to know that. Happy as it affirms my sense that I am to really find my core identity and calling in life. Once I find this, I am sure that my boss' incessant pressure will not push me and make me stressed and make me bend to his demands.

My shaking period is still happening, now needing to care for my beloved mum and needing to be strong. I am glad I have 'but God' who has given me His presence, His words, joy and peace. What a ride!